Quit dewlling on the past

I need to follow that really good advice. I'm miserable and I cry myself to sleep most nights wondering what I did wrong, but I really do need to quit dwelling on it. I have finally realized that I will never get the closure that I deserve from Chris. He just really doesn't care about me. No one can go from being glad we were working on things to complete and total cut from their life unless the former was all lies. I lay here every night praying for closure and for the hurting to get better. I'm sure he has no trouble sleeping. Obviously he has moved on and I need to move now. As much as I wish he would have told me he moved on, its not ever going to happen. As much as I wanted Austin, Chris and I to be a family again and to be happy that won't ever happen either. I don't know how to deal with all these mixed emotions I'm feeling. Most of the time its just sadness and I just want the pain to go away. So the best thing I can do for myself is move ahead with life continue to rebuild the future for Austin and I. I hope Austin knows that I will always be here for him and that he is the best thing in my life. He is the reason I wake up every morning. Without him I wold have thrown the towel in a long time ago. So tonight is the last night I'm allowing the tears and the misery. I plan on crying myself out of tears and tomorrow will start the don't look back process. I refuse to hold on to the hurt anymore and let it consume me.

Blue week

I'm having a blue week. I just cant seem to pull myself out of this wanting to cry mood. I guess my problem is having no closure this time with my ex. I shouldn't let this bother me but I still love him so much and feel like I at least deserved some closure. I went back and read the last email I sent him 3 weeks into him ignoring me and maybe he took as I didn't want to work on things any longer. who knows. I did put at the end that I had nothing left to say to him but I meant in that email not forever. I don't know . I just know I'm feeling miserable without knowing why all the sudden nothing from him. I'm starting to get pieces of my life back on track but still unhappy. I never saw myself as a woman who needed a man to make them happy but I honestly think its just the closure I need. Since its been two months since we talked why not be a gentleman and at least email me why its completely over and end this misery. Or how about I just woman up and get over it without the closure. I just feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like this blog is just one big crazy ramble but i need to get this all out somewhere. Plus with the holidays coming up so soon , I'm feeling worse. I'm sure this year will be the worst and it can only get better each year. All our holiday traditions are painful to think about doing right now. I'm dreading Christmas almost which worries me because I don't want to turn into my mom. Don't get me wrong I Love my mom but she gets so depressed at Christmas every year. And I don't want to put Austin through that. I will put on a happy face and get through it this year and pray for strength. I can only hope that god hears me and gives me strength to get by this year without to much pain. I'm rambling and crying and making myself worse so I'll end this crazy post.

Broken Hearted Again

Well I was dumb enough to believe that things with my ex husband and I could be worked on still. If you couldn't tell I was still very much in love with him. He came to my house to pick up his things in July and we talked. We had been talking up until the beginning of Sept. and hell I even flew over to Hawaii to work on things. I appreciate the fact he paid for the ticket and that we had a chance to talk. We (I thought) had made some progress but that's what I get thinking. I wasn't looking for anything for more than a commitment to working on things but he has ignored me since I flew home. I guess its my fault for putting my heart out there to get broken again and for being dumbing enough to think we could honestly work things out. Now I'm nursing a broken heart again and wishing I could just turn off the pain. I have found a new song by Sara Evans that is becoming the top played on my list. The chorus goes like this ... And I'm done hoping we can work it out, I'm done with how it feels spinning my wheels letting you drag my heart around,and I'm done thinking you can ever change, I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger. He wanted to say that he was the one making himself vulnerable to me but he wasn't the only one and looks like I'm the one who keeps getting my heart stomped on. So now I'm trying to deal again with the pain and getting my life back on track. Maybe this time getting over the pain will be easier and I will get a little bit stronger everyday.

Long Two weeks

Well it's been a long two weeks or so since I wrote last. I made a trip down to GA from the 5th til the 11th. My friend Gretchen so graciously put me and Austin up at her house. She is such a great person. I don't know how I would it made it through the past few months without her. She has been a shoulder to cry on (even from long distance), a sounding board for my ideas to start my new life, a great drinking buddy, and listened without judging when I have got out my anger towards the way my ex left me. I think that is one of the hardest parts of this all. Besides that I thought he was my soul mate, I always thought he was a brave man. He proved me wrong I guess. It's hard when you put someone up on a pedestal and then they knock themselves off it. And my pride, along with my heart and soul, is hurting knowing that I stupidly believed only the best things about my ex husband. I still defend him when people say he must have been cheating. I say no he is a good guy and wouldn't do that. I guess it is going to take me a while for the rose colored glasses that I saw him through to be removed. Its hard to turn off that kind of love so quickly. Or at least it is for me. I really never thought we would end up divorced. It's funny how at the end you think of the beginning a lot. I keep remembering seeing him at my brother and sister-in-law's apartment for the first time. He was shorter than what I was used to dating but as he introduced himself I thought to myself "wow I'm going to marry this guy". It was definitely a shock to me that I thought that about him because I didn't believe in love at first sight. I truly didn't.You could have knocked me over with a feather. But I guess I was right at the time. I guess tonight you could say I am having one of my bad nights. Not only am I rambling but I am missing him. I'm laying here thinking of all the good times and all the loving words and hurting. I'm so hurt and confused and cant seem to find the silver lining at the moment. I miss laying in his arms with my head on his chest listening to his heart beat. If I had only known at Christmas that was going to be the last few times I would ever do that I would done it more. I would came into bed sooner a laid awake beside him just to listen to him breath. That sounds stupid I know but its the simple things I miss. Knowing that I could talk to him about my hopes and dreams hearing him say he believed in me. I miss just falling asleep at night instead of crying myself to sleep. I miss being able to listen to the radio without having to turn the channel every other song. I just plain miss my soul mate. Okay well now that I have got my pity party out, I had a good time in GA. My son got to see his friends so that was good. I went clothes shopping(which is fun when your not fat anymore woo hoo welcome back size 8)and one night of drinking. Thanks again to Gretchen for the DD duties. I haven't had a hangover in almost 6 years so I guess I was up for one hell of one. I guess 31 almost 32 is getting too old for them because it took me 2 days to get completely over it. I've been back at work for a week now and getting back into the roll of it. Now I just need to get busy job hunting in TN.

It's Over

Well I am officially divorced. I can't say I'm happy about it. I know I wrote that I didn't want to stay married to him either but I do miss the decent sweet man I was married to before all this mess began. I'm not quite sure what happened to him but he is gone. I guess that's what I'm really sad about the most. He was my best friend and one of my biggest supporters. When I felt like I should give up, he would encourage me. And I would do the same for him. We were always there for each other like a good married couple should be but now that's all gone. I've been putting on this huge brave front but its scary to me that I might spent the rest of my life crying myself to sleep over my lost soul mate. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone but right now I can't picture ever meeting someone who will make me feel the way my ex husband did. I didn't just give my heart to this man but my soul as well. And now I have to figure out how to move on at this point. I know moving to TN will help me move on with my professional life which is a good thing but how do I move on in my personal life? I know it will take a long time to heal. I would just like to go to bed one night without crying myself to sleep.

Thank God For.....

Good friends, Gary Allen, and Lee Ann Womack. My great friend Gretchen has been a great help the last couple months. And I have been listening to a lot of Gary Allen and Lee Ann Womack to get me through the rough patches. Reba McEntire has plenty of strong female songs too. Its funny how I look for the silver lining in everything these days or I'm trying to see it. I have let myself become very negative in the last month or so. And that really is not me at all. So I have decided to take one little step back towards being me again and be a positive person again. Next I need to get off my butt, get online and find a job and house in TN.

Feeling Safe

Strange title I know but I think it is safe to stated that nobody reads this blog. I have tried googling it and it just doesnt come up so I feel safe to write my feelings out in here. I think it is healthy to get everything out. I talk to my good friends and to my family but I dont feel like I can tell them everything. Maybe I have trust issues because I have no reason not to get it all out to them but I dont. Rambling on again :). I am sort of a private person also so maybe that is part of it. I have been trying so hard to keep a strong appearance but its not easy. I have accepted this divorce is going on and that I will be back on my own again real soon. I know it is for the best too. I lost parts of me that I miss. I have no one to blame but myself for that either. I could sit here writing a bunch of crap about how my ex forced me to change only I would know it was nothing but crap. I changed myself to please him not because he asked but because I felt I needed to so I could stay married. I screwed up badly the first year we were married and felt I need to make up for it everyday to him. I did not cheat on him EVER. But what I did was wrong just the same. I guess one of my big mistakes was thinking he could ever move forward in our marriage after that. We were happy for quite a while but there were always doubts in the back of his mind. I also had my doubts about him kind of lingering too. I'm not going to write down what he did to cause my doubts since I wont write everything I did either. Just know that he did things that hurt me deeply too. I swallowed my pride and said he forgave me so I will forgive him. I tried my hardest to let go of the hurt and I'm sure he tried too. I will say I dont believe he ever cheated on me either while we were married. I guess one of the hardest parts to get over of all this is him saying he hasnt loved me in years. He was home with me at Christmas 2009 and didnt show any signs of not being in love with me. He practically slept on top of me cuddled so close. He said sweet things. And its not just Christmas , since we moved to Georgia we had a lot of heart to heart talks and I was pretty sure we had a strong marriage. Then he says, in a email no less, that he doesnt trust me. So I spent 5 years taking care of the whole house while he was deployed but he doesnt trust me. Anyways sorry little bit of bitterness coming out. I just feel like he is no longer the man I married. He has become a hypocrite and one of the most self centered people. I guess this is where I need to get some of the anger out. I took care of him, Austin, the dogs and everything while he was deployed without fail. While going to college and trying to make it through nursing school which was not easy. I stopped doing things outside the house a lot because we were trying to live on a budget. I blamed myself for being selfish and not getting a job and wanting to go to school full time. He was very supportive of it though and said we would get back on our feet. Then when I was making RN pay he could be a house husband lol. Even when he was home from deployments I still took care of a lot so he could bike ride. I'm not an angel and I did get mad when he spent a lot of time bike riding but I'm sure any woman would. I even took care of him while he was bike riding during the endurance race. And there were times when I would take my books with me to study while he was out riding a lap. I'm not trying to play the victim here but it just doesnt seem like he didnt trust me. Well I guess I have rambled to myself and I should have spent this time looking for a house in TN online.

We have it figured out.

Well it's official .... Austin and I are moving to TN. Austin is seriously sick of the snow. And we both liked living down south after a while. Its still close enough to my family that I can visit but far enough that I have my space. Please don't get me wrong, I love my family but I think it is time that I have space to grow. I changed things about my self to suit my soon to be ex and I now need space to get back to being me again. So now its time to get down to the tasks of finding a job and house there. I'm hoping it will go as good as finding my current job. I will miss the people I work with and the residents.But it is time for my to finish up school.

Hmmmm....

I'm running away to Nashville to become a Midwife lol. Most people move there to become a singer but I like my plan better. Technically its not really running away if I move all my stuff and take my son though, right? I was looking at a midwife program in Colorado but then someone told me about the one in Tennessee so I now I need to decide. I know it sounds like I have decided already but really I'm weighing my choices. Austin is in favor of Tennessee becuase it doesn't snow as much there. He really is sick of snow already. Funny since he was born in Michigan during a blizzard. I guess I need to make up my mind soon since I plan on moving in July. I'll keep you updated.

Stranger things have happened...

Well its been a long, busy and strange year. I passed my state boards and became a LPN. Then I moved back to Michigan and started working full time again. Life couldn't get better huh? Oops Then January of this year the bottom dropped out sort of. My husband filed for divorce out of the blue. So come April 1st, I will be single again. At first I saw it as a bad thing but then I saw that he was right. I deserved better than I was getting treated in our marriage. I'm not going to lie and say I was the perfect wife but I wasn't evil reincarnated either. I made huge mistakes the first year we were married. I tried to make up for them but I guess I couldn't. I spent a lot of time taking care of him first and me second but in the end it really didn't help. So now I realize that I need to take care of myself. I need to spend time remembering who Lissa is instead of thinking being Mrs is the most important thing. I've always know that I have been wanted to be a nurse, so now I am going to focus meeting my career goals. Also I am trying to make sure that my son is happy and getting his ducks in a row too. And hopefully the next time I fall in love, it will be with someone who will give me the same unconditional love I gave my almost ex husband. Its been a long strange year but its going to get better.