Quit dewlling on the past

I need to follow that really good advice. I'm miserable and I cry myself to sleep most nights wondering what I did wrong, but I really do need to quit dwelling on it. I have finally realized that I will never get the closure that I deserve from Chris. He just really doesn't care about me. No one can go from being glad we were working on things to complete and total cut from their life unless the former was all lies. I lay here every night praying for closure and for the hurting to get better. I'm sure he has no trouble sleeping. Obviously he has moved on and I need to move now. As much as I wish he would have told me he moved on, its not ever going to happen. As much as I wanted Austin, Chris and I to be a family again and to be happy that won't ever happen either. I don't know how to deal with all these mixed emotions I'm feeling. Most of the time its just sadness and I just want the pain to go away. So the best thing I can do for myself is move ahead with life continue to rebuild the future for Austin and I. I hope Austin knows that I will always be here for him and that he is the best thing in my life. He is the reason I wake up every morning. Without him I wold have thrown the towel in a long time ago. So tonight is the last night I'm allowing the tears and the misery. I plan on crying myself out of tears and tomorrow will start the don't look back process. I refuse to hold on to the hurt anymore and let it consume me.

Blue week

I'm having a blue week. I just cant seem to pull myself out of this wanting to cry mood. I guess my problem is having no closure this time with my ex. I shouldn't let this bother me but I still love him so much and feel like I at least deserved some closure. I went back and read the last email I sent him 3 weeks into him ignoring me and maybe he took as I didn't want to work on things any longer. who knows. I did put at the end that I had nothing left to say to him but I meant in that email not forever. I don't know . I just know I'm feeling miserable without knowing why all the sudden nothing from him. I'm starting to get pieces of my life back on track but still unhappy. I never saw myself as a woman who needed a man to make them happy but I honestly think its just the closure I need. Since its been two months since we talked why not be a gentleman and at least email me why its completely over and end this misery. Or how about I just woman up and get over it without the closure. I just feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like this blog is just one big crazy ramble but i need to get this all out somewhere. Plus with the holidays coming up so soon , I'm feeling worse. I'm sure this year will be the worst and it can only get better each year. All our holiday traditions are painful to think about doing right now. I'm dreading Christmas almost which worries me because I don't want to turn into my mom. Don't get me wrong I Love my mom but she gets so depressed at Christmas every year. And I don't want to put Austin through that. I will put on a happy face and get through it this year and pray for strength. I can only hope that god hears me and gives me strength to get by this year without to much pain. I'm rambling and crying and making myself worse so I'll end this crazy post.