Thank God For.....

Good friends, Gary Allen, and Lee Ann Womack. My great friend Gretchen has been a great help the last couple months. And I have been listening to a lot of Gary Allen and Lee Ann Womack to get me through the rough patches. Reba McEntire has plenty of strong female songs too. Its funny how I look for the silver lining in everything these days or I'm trying to see it. I have let myself become very negative in the last month or so. And that really is not me at all. So I have decided to take one little step back towards being me again and be a positive person again. Next I need to get off my butt, get online and find a job and house in TN.

Feeling Safe

Strange title I know but I think it is safe to stated that nobody reads this blog. I have tried googling it and it just doesnt come up so I feel safe to write my feelings out in here. I think it is healthy to get everything out. I talk to my good friends and to my family but I dont feel like I can tell them everything. Maybe I have trust issues because I have no reason not to get it all out to them but I dont. Rambling on again :). I am sort of a private person also so maybe that is part of it. I have been trying so hard to keep a strong appearance but its not easy. I have accepted this divorce is going on and that I will be back on my own again real soon. I know it is for the best too. I lost parts of me that I miss. I have no one to blame but myself for that either. I could sit here writing a bunch of crap about how my ex forced me to change only I would know it was nothing but crap. I changed myself to please him not because he asked but because I felt I needed to so I could stay married. I screwed up badly the first year we were married and felt I need to make up for it everyday to him. I did not cheat on him EVER. But what I did was wrong just the same. I guess one of my big mistakes was thinking he could ever move forward in our marriage after that. We were happy for quite a while but there were always doubts in the back of his mind. I also had my doubts about him kind of lingering too. I'm not going to write down what he did to cause my doubts since I wont write everything I did either. Just know that he did things that hurt me deeply too. I swallowed my pride and said he forgave me so I will forgive him. I tried my hardest to let go of the hurt and I'm sure he tried too. I will say I dont believe he ever cheated on me either while we were married. I guess one of the hardest parts to get over of all this is him saying he hasnt loved me in years. He was home with me at Christmas 2009 and didnt show any signs of not being in love with me. He practically slept on top of me cuddled so close. He said sweet things. And its not just Christmas , since we moved to Georgia we had a lot of heart to heart talks and I was pretty sure we had a strong marriage. Then he says, in a email no less, that he doesnt trust me. So I spent 5 years taking care of the whole house while he was deployed but he doesnt trust me. Anyways sorry little bit of bitterness coming out. I just feel like he is no longer the man I married. He has become a hypocrite and one of the most self centered people. I guess this is where I need to get some of the anger out. I took care of him, Austin, the dogs and everything while he was deployed without fail. While going to college and trying to make it through nursing school which was not easy. I stopped doing things outside the house a lot because we were trying to live on a budget. I blamed myself for being selfish and not getting a job and wanting to go to school full time. He was very supportive of it though and said we would get back on our feet. Then when I was making RN pay he could be a house husband lol. Even when he was home from deployments I still took care of a lot so he could bike ride. I'm not an angel and I did get mad when he spent a lot of time bike riding but I'm sure any woman would. I even took care of him while he was bike riding during the endurance race. And there were times when I would take my books with me to study while he was out riding a lap. I'm not trying to play the victim here but it just doesnt seem like he didnt trust me. Well I guess I have rambled to myself and I should have spent this time looking for a house in TN online.

We have it figured out.

Well it's official .... Austin and I are moving to TN. Austin is seriously sick of the snow. And we both liked living down south after a while. Its still close enough to my family that I can visit but far enough that I have my space. Please don't get me wrong, I love my family but I think it is time that I have space to grow. I changed things about my self to suit my soon to be ex and I now need space to get back to being me again. So now its time to get down to the tasks of finding a job and house there. I'm hoping it will go as good as finding my current job. I will miss the people I work with and the residents.But it is time for my to finish up school.

Hmmmm....

I'm running away to Nashville to become a Midwife lol. Most people move there to become a singer but I like my plan better. Technically its not really running away if I move all my stuff and take my son though, right? I was looking at a midwife program in Colorado but then someone told me about the one in Tennessee so I now I need to decide. I know it sounds like I have decided already but really I'm weighing my choices. Austin is in favor of Tennessee becuase it doesn't snow as much there. He really is sick of snow already. Funny since he was born in Michigan during a blizzard. I guess I need to make up my mind soon since I plan on moving in July. I'll keep you updated.

Stranger things have happened...

Well its been a long, busy and strange year. I passed my state boards and became a LPN. Then I moved back to Michigan and started working full time again. Life couldn't get better huh? Oops Then January of this year the bottom dropped out sort of. My husband filed for divorce out of the blue. So come April 1st, I will be single again. At first I saw it as a bad thing but then I saw that he was right. I deserved better than I was getting treated in our marriage. I'm not going to lie and say I was the perfect wife but I wasn't evil reincarnated either. I made huge mistakes the first year we were married. I tried to make up for them but I guess I couldn't. I spent a lot of time taking care of him first and me second but in the end it really didn't help. So now I realize that I need to take care of myself. I need to spend time remembering who Lissa is instead of thinking being Mrs is the most important thing. I've always know that I have been wanted to be a nurse, so now I am going to focus meeting my career goals. Also I am trying to make sure that my son is happy and getting his ducks in a row too. And hopefully the next time I fall in love, it will be with someone who will give me the same unconditional love I gave my almost ex husband. Its been a long strange year but its going to get better.