Long Two weeks

Well it's been a long two weeks or so since I wrote last. I made a trip down to GA from the 5th til the 11th. My friend Gretchen so graciously put me and Austin up at her house. She is such a great person. I don't know how I would it made it through the past few months without her. She has been a shoulder to cry on (even from long distance), a sounding board for my ideas to start my new life, a great drinking buddy, and listened without judging when I have got out my anger towards the way my ex left me. I think that is one of the hardest parts of this all. Besides that I thought he was my soul mate, I always thought he was a brave man. He proved me wrong I guess. It's hard when you put someone up on a pedestal and then they knock themselves off it. And my pride, along with my heart and soul, is hurting knowing that I stupidly believed only the best things about my ex husband. I still defend him when people say he must have been cheating. I say no he is a good guy and wouldn't do that. I guess it is going to take me a while for the rose colored glasses that I saw him through to be removed. Its hard to turn off that kind of love so quickly. Or at least it is for me. I really never thought we would end up divorced. It's funny how at the end you think of the beginning a lot. I keep remembering seeing him at my brother and sister-in-law's apartment for the first time. He was shorter than what I was used to dating but as he introduced himself I thought to myself "wow I'm going to marry this guy". It was definitely a shock to me that I thought that about him because I didn't believe in love at first sight. I truly didn't.You could have knocked me over with a feather. But I guess I was right at the time. I guess tonight you could say I am having one of my bad nights. Not only am I rambling but I am missing him. I'm laying here thinking of all the good times and all the loving words and hurting. I'm so hurt and confused and cant seem to find the silver lining at the moment. I miss laying in his arms with my head on his chest listening to his heart beat. If I had only known at Christmas that was going to be the last few times I would ever do that I would done it more. I would came into bed sooner a laid awake beside him just to listen to him breath. That sounds stupid I know but its the simple things I miss. Knowing that I could talk to him about my hopes and dreams hearing him say he believed in me. I miss just falling asleep at night instead of crying myself to sleep. I miss being able to listen to the radio without having to turn the channel every other song. I just plain miss my soul mate. Okay well now that I have got my pity party out, I had a good time in GA. My son got to see his friends so that was good. I went clothes shopping(which is fun when your not fat anymore woo hoo welcome back size 8)and one night of drinking. Thanks again to Gretchen for the DD duties. I haven't had a hangover in almost 6 years so I guess I was up for one hell of one. I guess 31 almost 32 is getting too old for them because it took me 2 days to get completely over it. I've been back at work for a week now and getting back into the roll of it. Now I just need to get busy job hunting in TN.

It's Over

Well I am officially divorced. I can't say I'm happy about it. I know I wrote that I didn't want to stay married to him either but I do miss the decent sweet man I was married to before all this mess began. I'm not quite sure what happened to him but he is gone. I guess that's what I'm really sad about the most. He was my best friend and one of my biggest supporters. When I felt like I should give up, he would encourage me. And I would do the same for him. We were always there for each other like a good married couple should be but now that's all gone. I've been putting on this huge brave front but its scary to me that I might spent the rest of my life crying myself to sleep over my lost soul mate. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone but right now I can't picture ever meeting someone who will make me feel the way my ex husband did. I didn't just give my heart to this man but my soul as well. And now I have to figure out how to move on at this point. I know moving to TN will help me move on with my professional life which is a good thing but how do I move on in my personal life? I know it will take a long time to heal. I would just like to go to bed one night without crying myself to sleep.