Feeling Safe

Strange title I know but I think it is safe to stated that nobody reads this blog. I have tried googling it and it just doesnt come up so I feel safe to write my feelings out in here. I think it is healthy to get everything out. I talk to my good friends and to my family but I dont feel like I can tell them everything. Maybe I have trust issues because I have no reason not to get it all out to them but I dont. Rambling on again :). I am sort of a private person also so maybe that is part of it. I have been trying so hard to keep a strong appearance but its not easy. I have accepted this divorce is going on and that I will be back on my own again real soon. I know it is for the best too. I lost parts of me that I miss. I have no one to blame but myself for that either. I could sit here writing a bunch of crap about how my ex forced me to change only I would know it was nothing but crap. I changed myself to please him not because he asked but because I felt I needed to so I could stay married. I screwed up badly the first year we were married and felt I need to make up for it everyday to him. I did not cheat on him EVER. But what I did was wrong just the same. I guess one of my big mistakes was thinking he could ever move forward in our marriage after that. We were happy for quite a while but there were always doubts in the back of his mind. I also had my doubts about him kind of lingering too. I'm not going to write down what he did to cause my doubts since I wont write everything I did either. Just know that he did things that hurt me deeply too. I swallowed my pride and said he forgave me so I will forgive him. I tried my hardest to let go of the hurt and I'm sure he tried too. I will say I dont believe he ever cheated on me either while we were married. I guess one of the hardest parts to get over of all this is him saying he hasnt loved me in years. He was home with me at Christmas 2009 and didnt show any signs of not being in love with me. He practically slept on top of me cuddled so close. He said sweet things. And its not just Christmas , since we moved to Georgia we had a lot of heart to heart talks and I was pretty sure we had a strong marriage. Then he says, in a email no less, that he doesnt trust me. So I spent 5 years taking care of the whole house while he was deployed but he doesnt trust me. Anyways sorry little bit of bitterness coming out. I just feel like he is no longer the man I married. He has become a hypocrite and one of the most self centered people. I guess this is where I need to get some of the anger out. I took care of him, Austin, the dogs and everything while he was deployed without fail. While going to college and trying to make it through nursing school which was not easy. I stopped doing things outside the house a lot because we were trying to live on a budget. I blamed myself for being selfish and not getting a job and wanting to go to school full time. He was very supportive of it though and said we would get back on our feet. Then when I was making RN pay he could be a house husband lol. Even when he was home from deployments I still took care of a lot so he could bike ride. I'm not an angel and I did get mad when he spent a lot of time bike riding but I'm sure any woman would. I even took care of him while he was bike riding during the endurance race. And there were times when I would take my books with me to study while he was out riding a lap. I'm not trying to play the victim here but it just doesnt seem like he didnt trust me. Well I guess I have rambled to myself and I should have spent this time looking for a house in TN online.